"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain

Friday, November 2, 2007

The Quotient- Part 1


My first step in creating a manner of life quotient is to determine what criteria will be used to evaluate candidates. There are lots of criteria that could be used but this is so important that I think we may have to go old school. That's right we're gonna take it back, way back to the seven deadly sins (and their corresponding virtues). Now this may seem somewhat old fashion but we all know that everything comes around, witness the horrible 80's styles that have recently come back into vogue, talk about sinful. So for those of you who may not have kept up with the Seven lets recap with some help from Wikipedia:

LUST-The excessive desire for sexual release thereby making another person an object
GLUTTONY-Overindulgence or over consumption of anything to the point of waste
GREED-The sin of excess applied to the acquisition of wealth
SLOTH-also know as acedia or a type of spiritual apathy. Now associated with laziness
WRATH-"the love of justice perverted to rage and spite" Dante
ENVY- "Sorrow for another's goods" Aquinas
PRIDE- Top sin. "love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbors" Dante

On the other side of the scale are the seven cardinal virtues:
CHASTITY- embracing moral wholesomeness
TEMPERANCE-self control and moderation
CHARITY-generosity and the willingness to give
DILIGENCE-a zealous and careful nature in one's action and work
FORGIVENESS-Patience and forbearance
KINDNESS-compassion and friendship
HUMILITY-modest behavior selflessness

So far so good. We have now created the first half of our quotient, sort of. Under each broad criteria will come a number of sub-categories with more specific indicators. What comes next is the interview process. Here is the process, once someone has decided they want to be a Bishop or in the alternative that God has called them to be a Bishop and they just following God's lead, they will be given an application form. This form will include:
1.) A Consent to a Forensic Financial Audit- This is the most thorough type of audit around. It includes everything. All bank records, credit cards and investments are included. A forensic auditor will compile a report of the candidates financial records that they will be made public. That's right PUBLIC! We cannot allow this process to become corrupt with secrecy.
2.) A List of 10 ex-romantic relationships- You see we could ever rely on peoples friends to tell us the whole truth so we want to talk to the people who may have something interesting to tell.
3.) A list of 25 people you have worked with in the past- Employees and bosses always see people in a different light. This will be especially important in a number of criteria (pride, greed...)
4.) Other forms as needed. I guess a complete criminal background check is done most of the time, but we should also look into Civil cases and bankruptcies. In fact we should probably just hire a professional investigator to do these background interviews. Who knows they might find someone that was left off the ex list.

Now this may seem like a serious amount of work. But saving the Communion is hard work, unlike destroying it which seems to be pretty easy seeing that it has been accomplished by one person. But rather than sit around and wait for a bunch of men with vested interest in their own power to write a "Covenant" we must be proactive and beat them to the punch. We are creating a foolproof system that takes subjectivity out of the equation. As I said this should be finished by next week. J
P.S. Please go check out Dave Walker's Cartoon Church it is one of the funniest sites in the whole of Christendom

2 comments:

Bob said...

apropos of nothing, your two lists reminded me of a song from Camelot called The Seven Deadly Virtues...it does make sinning sound more fun:

The seven deadly virtues, those ghastly little traps
Oh no, my liege, they were not meant for me
Those seven deadly virtues were made for other chaps
Who love a life of failure and ennui
Take courage-now there's a sport
An invitation to the state of rigor mort
And purity-a noble yen
And very restful every now and then
I find humility means to be hurt
It's not the earth the meek inherit, it's the dirt
Honesty is fatal, it should be taboo
Diligence-a fate I would hate
If charity means giving, I give it to you
And fidelity is only for your mate
You'll never find a virtue unstatusing my quo or making my Beelzebubble burst
Let others take the high road, I will take the low
I cannot wait to rush in where angels fear to go
With all those sevn deadly virtues free and happy little me has not been cursed

Bob

Doorman-Priest said...

A bouncy castle. I KNEW it!