"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The Food Pyramid and the Gay Food Conspiracy Part 1

It is important to us here at Anglican Underground to never miss important stories in the news. This may be one of the biggest stories we have seen so far. Evidence in mounting that the new Food Pyramid may be part of an elaborate gay conspiracy. I guess we should have noticed that the Pyramid was a rainbow to begin with and that if it were made into a sticker and put on the back of a car... well you get the idea. Now information is coming from many sectors that the food women eat during pregnancy may make their children gay and Soy could be a main culprit. Soy milk is featured prominately on the New Food Pyramid.

We at Anglican Underground wanted to get to the bottom of this story so we contacted a group heading the fight against gay foods. The recently formed Food Purity, Holiness And Righteousness Taskforce or Food PHART has been compiling evidence that they say proves the Gay Food connection. Pastor Ted Haggard recently involved in a massive scandal in Colorado has joined the board of PHART. "I always knew it was my mothers fault somehow" said Haggard. "The Bible is clear that women were the first to sin, now I guess we realize how deep that sin goes." Haggard says that his recent treatment for gayness included a stringent nutritional plan and recipies based on Biblical principles.

Reverend Jones Barclay is the pastor of Hardwood Assembly in Hardwood, Indiana. He is the first President of PHART and he quotes scripture to back his gay food hypothesis. "It is clear from the Bible that God hates certain foods. Just read Leviticus Chapters 11 and 12 and you will see that some food is not allowed. Now we know why." He went on to say that God knew all along that some foods could make children gay. "Just look at the list. Any mother who eats these foods is just asking for their kids to be gay."

Educational websites are being put up as quickly as possible to help families make responsible nutritional decisions regarding their unborn children’s sexuality. God Hates Shrimp.Com and God Hates Figs.Com are just the first of a series of online resources for God fearing future mothers. Landover Baptist Church has also published a resource guide for keeping kids straight.

Pastor Barclay says he knows it is going to be hard for some people to understand. "Our southern brothers and sisters are going to have a hard time giving up pork BBQ. But Leviticus 11:7 says that if a mother eats it her child will be gay." When we asked him how to determine if a child would be female and a lesbian he said that it was up to God to decide if your child would be gay or lesbian and that "future research would be needed to determine which unclean food combination would create which undesirable outcome."

Since our blog is concerned with The Episcopal Church and Anglican Communion we decided to contact the American Anglican Network for their comment. Bishop Robert Duncan of Pittsburgh said this information would greatly effect the current problems in the Episcopal Church. "We recently intercepted a memo from Presiding Bishop Katherine Jefferts Schori that instructed all staff to only serve shrimp and lobster at official meetings in the Episcopal Church. It was then that we realized she was part of the conspiracy. She was an Oceanographer, of course she knows what she is doing. By encouraging nubile and fertile young women to eat foods that God disdains she is leading us down the path of apostasy. More gay children is exactly what she wants" Bishop Duncan went on to say that his group has joined others involved in this struggle. Anglican PHART will be printing a pamphlet due out this summer that will describe what the orthodox and traditional Anglican diet should contain to keep kids from being gay. "All we can say at this point is read your Bibles and stay away from WholeFoods."

Anglican Underground is committed to following this story. Stay informed at http://anglicanunderground.blogspot.com


Lisa said...

Well, now you've gone and done it! You've blown the whole clever plot to End Civilization As We Have Known It. I hope you're pleased with yourselves.

My further thoughts on your nefarious revelation are over on my blog, so as not to consume bandwidth here on your site.

As Brother Causticus would say, I'm going to be keeping my gimlet eye upon you rowdies.

Dad said...

WOW---I never knew that had I not been exposed to this obvious assault of the "lavender menace" I would have been straight! Thank you for exposing this vast conspiracy of the homosexual aganda!